Mom's Letter to Killer...
Mom's Letter to Kevin's Killer

To My Son's Killer:

It's time we talk. I am Kevin Clewer's Mother. I have never asked for much in my life, just comfort and happiness. You have managed to take a large part of that away from me and my family.

I don't know who you are. I just know someone out there is my son's killer. To our family you are ghost of someone we do not know what you need to know is our family will not rest until we find out who you are and why you did this? Know - we will not quit.

I think about you a lot, every day, wondering what kind of person you are. I wonder if you have a family. Do you have someone you love enough to share these times with or who loves you? Do you love anyone at all? Do you have any compassion in you soul at all? Do you still have your Mother or Father, Brothers or Sisters? Do you Love your Mother? Does she Love you? I know what you are capable of doing but I want to know what kind of person you are, how you could kill my Son and why.

Kevin's hopes and dreams are gone, because of you. Do you ever think about Kevin? Does it ever bother you? You saw the last breaths of life my Son took; life ended by your hand. I wonder how it made you feel. Have you done this before? Can you do it again? Will you do it again? Will you again shatter other people’s lives, inflict a pain that there are no words for. Only families that have been through this could possibly understand what we feel, and don’t feel.

Did you know Kevin at all? Do you know many lives he touched with his generosity, time and Love? Kevin went out of his way to find that special gift, set the right table, prepare the right food. Set the mood that made a person feel truly special. Do you do any of the above, take time to show anyone how important they are in your life?

You stabbed my Son 42 times. What went through your mind when you did this? How could you? Do you know how many times I think about this, how many times the visions run through my head? I have pounded my fist on a table 42 times trying to absorb the amount of time it would take and what kind of deranged person could bring themselves to this gruesome act of violence. Only you know the answer to that, something regular people can not possibly comprehend.

I wonder at times, how you can consider yourself normal. Such inhumanity to man. Your overkill was horrendous, why? What could my son have possibly done to you to trigger such an outbreak of violence? Anger, Jealousy, What? Answers to questions we do not have. Answers that when they do come, will not be enough. You have affected so many lives by your actions, inflicted so much pain and suffering. Does this make you happy? Satisfy you in some sick way?

To you I say you are a sick deranged person lacking human qualities. You are dangerous to others and yourself. I ask God to forgive me because I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you.

Do you know how I (and my family) spent the last Holidays? Thanksgiving? Christmas? New Years? Valentine’s Day? We spent it at the cemetery, standing in front of Kevin’s grave, staring at a sketch on his headstone, making sure we bring the right flowers and spend the very first part of any Holiday with Kevin. Strange the things you do when your world has been torn apart in a matter of minutes. We spend a lot of time there.

You should see Kevin's grave.

For Christmas, I put up a small Christmas tree with cobalt blue tear drop ornaments, one of Kevin's favorite colors. Gold Bells tied on so when the winds blow through the open fields they would ring. Like the old Jimmy Stewart Movie, It's a Wonderful Life. Every time you hear a bell ring, an Angel gets his wings. br br Kevin's sister in-law brought our Grandchildren so they could visit their Uncle. Along with them a Christmas centerpiece to add to his grave, right by the white Angel Teddy Bear they brought when Kevin was first buried. The bear has a little red heart around its neck and says Kevin. A white angel bear with wings. I put it at the top of Kevin’s Christmas tree along with the Gold Angel.

Kevin’s brother went to the cemetery Christmas Day, to spend some quiet time at the cemetery with his brother. He brought Kevin’s car. A hard thing for him to do as it was Kevin’s pride and joy. His CDs still in place where he left them. Change for the tolls and the car spotless, the way Kevin always had it. He played some of his favorite songs for a while and just sat in the car. I’m sure he had a lot to say to Kevin, we all do as we are all lost. This is all any of us have left with Kevin other than our memories.

You took Kevin away from us. You violated our lives by taking our loved one away from us. You brutally murdered Kevin. I can’t understand how a human being can do that.

Kevin’s Dad and his second Mom (yes, he has two Moms that Love him dearly), went to the cemetery for some quiet time and asked - Why? They laid out a beautiful pine spray with cobalt blue and gold ornaments. Neither of us even knew we would pick out the same colors. Kevin would have been proud of our color coordination.

Aunts, cousins and close friends all went to the cemetery to honor Kevin at Christmas, each giving their own gift. I’m sure Kevin would have thought less is more but it was all out of our Love for him.

I wonder what you did for Christmas. As hard as we all tried to be strong for the other there were still way too many tears and the pain unexplainable. Why?

New Years, was the same minus all the decorations. Memories and a headstone. They are not enough. We have nothing to hold on too. We can't hug him, kiss him or tell Kevin how much we love him. We do silently amongst ourselves. We don't hear his laugh or see his amazing smile. We no longer feel his happiness he brought all of us just by sharing his time with us. All of our lives have been shattered.

What did you do for Valentine's Day? We were at Kevin’s grave again, bearing hearts of Love. We spent time talking to a cold stone that bears his face and represents our Love.

Do you know what keeps me hanging on other than the bond of Love our family has? Realizing the pain and agony other families go through. Someone else's agony, the Hell they have to deal with everyday. Someone out there has it worse than we do. Missing children, Soldiers killed in action to save our freedom, YOUR freedom. Bodies never found or bodies found beyond recognition. These thoughts make me stronger. By comparison we are “lucky” I think. Their strange, the thoughts one has when placed in such a position. We had Kevin’s body to bury, he is home near us. Many cannot say that. This is my strength. I try to make myself feel thankful for this as ridiculous as it sounds.

Day by day, I think, I watch what effect Kevin’s death has had on us as a family. Each of us dealing with this the best we can, having been given no choice.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Kevin does, a brother. His quest in life is to find out why you killed his best friend. Why you killed his little brother whom he loves dearly. I watch his suffering and it adds to mine and his Father’s. Another burden we bear because of you. Are you Sorry or are you Proud at what you achieved?

His Father is another, his pain is mine, and mine is his. It all becomes our pain. Did you or do you have parents that ever Loved you? Love you enough? Our love for Kevin is overwhelming. We carry the agony of his loss day by day and do not know what to do but to keep trying to find out information to remove you from the streets. We feel lost and hopeless at times, yet find strength to hold on. The determination of finding you gives us strength. Answers are what we need. Until they come, we have no peace.

Do you have any idea what children mean to parents who truly Love them, stand by their side and support them through anything? They are our world, heart and soul. You raise them from babies and they are always your babies no matter how old they are. You ended our baby’s life. You took away his hopes and dreams that he worked so hard to achieve

Do you know he was my best friend? We talked almost every morning on his way to work and then again on his way home. We laughed some times at the dumbest things. He talked about work, his friends, his plans for the evening, quotes he had to finish. We just went on and on chatting about what seemed like nothing sometimes. I wish I could talk about nothing again with him now. Kevin had a way with words that always made me laugh.

I talked to him all the way home on that night you killed him and it continued on after he arrived home. He called me back. Kevin was helping me set up a picture of him and his brother when they were young children for my computer wall paper. He got upset with me in a humorous way at first because I kept screwing it up. It continued on after he arrived home. Finally I accomplished the task and I was happy, both my babies, on my screen. I could now see them everyday.

I did however still mess up and there was about a 1” of blank white of to the side margins, not quite centered. Kevin said “Don’t worry about it Mom, I will come out this week-end when I see you and fix it”, knowing full well if I attempted it I would screw it up again. I never saw him or heard from him after that because of you.

Kevin and I used to hang out with his friends. We both love music and dancing and we would go out with some of his friends from work. What good times we had. We both enjoyed those nights.

Sometimes we would just ride in his car or he would be at my house and we would put music on and just sing. God, we would wail until we fell down laughing, especially if we messed up the lyrics. Tears of laughter until you could hardly breathe.

I could go on and on with all the good times my family and I shared with Kevin, we each have our own stories to tell. Now they are just stories, memories we live with. While thankful for them, they are not enough. I have to Thank God for them but I find it difficult at times to find my faith.

To the Lakeview Community I have to say since Kevin’s death a lot of terrible murders, rapes, and robberies have been going on in your area. I can only think what is going on with people? As far as I know this was once a low crime area that seems to have gone to Hell.

Chicago was Kevin’s home, he loved it and absorbed everything city life had to offer. Boystown was his pride and joy and he was free to be himself here - with the complete support of our family.

I know the Police are overwhelmed with all of this crime but remember this is your area, your home. You can help. Watch, Look and listen, you can prevent something terrible from happening. You may possibly save someone’s life, maybe your own by being cautious and careful. It is a terrible state when you feel you can’t trust anyone, but it is true, you can’t. There are a lot of wonderful, caring people out there in the world but unfortunately we cannot tell them apart from those who are dangerous.

I have been extremely saddened by the most recent murder of Richard Markley, his life lost, brutally, and his story lost in the shadows of the deaths of the Judges family. Don’t get me wrong, I am so sorry for her because I can say I know what she is going through, how horrifying this is.

As a parent of a murdered child though, listening to the news, it really makes me sad and hurt that forensic evidence that took months for my Son’s case only took a matter of hours for the Judge’s family. Equality does not seem to work the way it should. A human life is a human life no matter what. It is odd what you think when you are in a position like this.

At this point we are approaching Kevin’s One Year Anniversary. I have always considered Anniversaries a Celebration in the past. It has taken on a whole new meaning.

To parents of gay children, any children I say Love your children, unconditionally. Support them in whatever way they need. Accept them for who they are - your child. Ask yourself this question: Do I want my child dead or alive? A harsh question but a reality. Without your support, you are killing them in a different way. You have been their life, they have been yours. How some parents can give that up when they hear the word gay; I will never understand. Parents like that are almost silent killers. You have taken a huge part of their children’s life away.

My child is dead. I am Thankful that our Love was and is strong enough to support Kevin in everything he did. I don’t know what I would have done if it was otherwise and this happened. I can’t even imagine it, giving up my child.

So in the end I remain with hope and vigilant that you will be found. I know you will. My family needs help to insure this. I know someone out there knows you, we need these people to come forth with any information they have. If anyone has any information, I am pleading with you to come forth. Please help us in our quest to see justice is served, other lives are protected and that this person is taken from the streets. I ask if he has shared information about a murder with you, does that not scare you? I would be frightened. Please come forward, please help.

To my Son’s killer I say, we will meet. When I see you in the courtroom I will expect answers to my questions. Be ready that day will come.

Pam Cunningham
Kevin's Mom